A stressful joy

Logan is home and we are all thrilled that he is happy, healthy and one good looking little guy.  Things at our house have been crazy since the moment we stepped in the house with him.  In the past few nights I have had a limited amount of sleep and that's to be expected.  Our 3 youngest daughters cant seem to get enough of "baby Logan" at some point they will get bored of him but as of now they want to see him all day long.  Its cute, annoying and hard to handle when 3 girls all want to love on him at the same time.  My two teens are a different story, my 15 year old DD thinks he sounds like a cat when he cries and finds the fact that he wears preemie diapers to be really cute.  My 18 year old DS is worried about going off to college and as only spent a small amount of time with his "little bro" but he did note that this is the smallest baby he has ever seen. 

My original plan was to have a nursery ready, and to be totally prepared to welcome him home with a scheduled and organized life.  Not going to happen, I can only hope to be able to remember to feed everyone daily and hope that someone will have pity on me and help with the cleaning.  Best laid plans have gone to the way side and I just think we will have to go on the fly and hope for the best.

In the big picture yes my home is full of chaos, but it was pretty much that way before he was born.  Is it going to be hectic, yep and that is the way I like it.  I know that it might take some time but there will be a routine at some point and it wont be sleepless nights and cranky days forever.  All my kids are home and that is something that brings me a joy that I have never felt.  3 wks and 4 days was a long time to wait for him to come home and now that he is here I will enjoy all the beautiful, crazy, insane, funny, moments that are all part of my family and my family life. 

Jayde

Cartoon on the Brain

This weekend I spend a lot of time looking at and thinking about older cartoons. No, not the Bugs Bunny or Looney Tunes but ones that were out when my kids were little or when I was in high school. I have a fondness for shows like Tiny Toons, Pinky and the Brain and even Animaniacs. Its strange how those off beat shows really stick with you. My 2 older children have watched them and know most of the characters, but my younger kids have yet to really see them.

I have decided to make it my new mission to expose them to these shows because they were fun. Not like the cartoons of today that have taken insane to a new level. My 15 year old daughter is a Cartoon Network junkie and I admit that I do watch a lot of shows with her. I admit to enjoying a few shows on Disney XD, my favorite right now is Phineas & Ferb; I even have one of their songs on my Ipod. Its not that cartoons aren't funny anymore I just want to see my kids do more laughing when they watch them.

I remember really looking forward to Saturday cartoons, and that is not the case with my kids. Partly because cartoons now come on everyday and most of the cartoons on during the weekend are "educational". Who wants to be educated on a Saturday? So over the next few months I will be ordering various cartoons to add to our DVD library in the hopes that my children will find something to really laugh at. Maybe when its all said and done, I need something to laugh at and having my kids along for the ride will make it even more special.

Looks like Logan is doin much better this week, he is back in an open crib and nursing very well. We are hoping that he will be home in about a week

Today was the day that I hit the wall, I woke up crying and spent most of the day crying. What could it possibly be that was making me so sad? Well I think it was a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing. I am somewhat of a control freak, but not in a "Type A" way just in an I have to have control so that I know what is going on way. And in the last few weeks I have lost control.


My oldest son is moving on with his life and going to college in a few weeks; my youngest son is in the NICU and cannot control either situation. It felt like I was drowning and that there was no live preserver coming to save me. I spend most of the day in a funk and for some reason could not bring myself to talk to my husband. He of course was under the impression that he had did something wrong. After hours of crying and hiding in my room, I finally decided that my husband deserved to know that I was not mad at him, that I was just mad at the situation.

It’s not been an easy few weeks for us and I guess that I was trying to be strong by no letting my emotions out, by not crying, by not being true to myself. It never works out well when you deny your feelings or when you try not feeling what is going on with your inner self. My emotions are complicated and compounded by so many things going on right now and it just seems that when you have hit the wall it really hurts. I know that I have to look at the bright side of things and remind myself that my oldest son moving on is a good thing and shows that I have somewhat prepared him to go on and live life after high school. My youngest son is in the NICU but he is doing well, he might not be making daily progress but the fact that he is steady and not going backwards is a victory in itself.

My husband held me for a long time this afternoon and I allowed him to do it and that was what we both needed. I have to keep him in the loop and remember that we are in this together and when I need to fall he will be there to catch me and I will do the same for him. We look forward to the next few weeks and the challenges that they will bring and we know that together we can face them together as long as we turn to each other and keep looking at the bright side.

Underpressure

The other evening after a long day of worrying about money and not spending enough time with my children at home or my baby in the hospital I had a mini breakdown. My husband decided the only way to make me feel better was to take me to see our son late one night. This was Thursday and although I thought it was too late it turned out to be one of the best visits we had with Logan.

He was alert and hungry when we got there and it gave me a chance to breast feed him, which he not only latch but he ate like a champ. We did not spend a lot of time there but it was enough for me to get my baby fix, for Logan to have some time with us and more importantly for me to feel like I spend enough time with both sets of kids.

This truly is the most difficult part of all being so far away from Logan and never feeling like I give enough to all of my kids. The guilt is overwhelming and I fear it will not get any better even after he is home. I hope to be able to visit him Saturday, but it all depends on our finances which have taken a beating since all this started.

That is the second worst thing about this entire situation. Having to choose between something for my kids at home or being able to visit my son. I will be glad when all of this is over and I can go back to our normal life, or at least a somewhat normal life.

The ungraduation graduate, graduates

Well it looks like there are miracles in this world still today; I received a call from the school counselor that my son will be able to graduate. He actually did all the work he was supposing to and took advantage of as much extra credit as he could. In the last few weeks of school I saw him doing homework (imagine my surprise). He even reminded his sister to bring her note cards to math class so she could get her full credits. What does this mean to me; well it showed that when my son is under the gun he can do the work. What did my son learn that waiting to the last minute makes more work for you in the long run? Yes, he will walk across the stage this evening and yes I will be super proud. When I wrote my earlier post about him not graduation a large weight was sitting on my chest and I really felt like my kid was the only kid in the world not to put on the cap and gown. I know now that many kids have issues and don't graduate for some reason or the other, and that some have to find their own path to graduation. My son watched several of his friends have to change schools near the end of the year and go to an alternative school because they had no other choice, he also watched a few friends just give up and decide to go another route to graduation. I love that he made the choice to fight for graduation, that he got to go on his grad night trip to Disney Land and that he is looking forward to putting on his gown later today. In a few weeks he is scheduled to leave for college in Fresno and I am excited and scared for him. I see this as a new an important chapter in his life and I also know from our experience this last few months that he has to do things on his own, I cannot force him to do anything. As he goes into each new phase of his life, my role is changing from the hands on parent to the listening and giving advice parent. It’s not an easy transition to make and I admit I had serious guilt about my choices as they days grew closer to graduation. I stuck to my guns and allowed him to grown and learn and it worked out for the best, for him. In the next few hours I will start thinking of the child I walked to preschool, kindergarten and elementary school and the young man who wouldn't allow me to walk him to middle school. It has been a very long, interesting and complicated journey with my son and I look forward to the rest of the journey and all the surprises that it holds for both of us.

Update on Logan 6/3/10

Logan is doing better, he was out of his isolet for a day, but is back in which is OK with me.  He is nippling a lot better and he got his hep B shot today.  He is no longer on the feeding tube and that is an improvement we were waiting on.  Only things being monitored are his heart rate and respiratory.  We take all his progress in stride and know that with the grace of GOD he will be home soon. 

Born the year of the Tiger with a fighting spirit!