Back and Forth

Here we are again on the same drama as always, should I go back to work?  I have been having a crisis for about a week now, I received a call for the Sheriff's office about a job I applied for over a year ago.  They want to do a background check on me and hopefully offer me a position as a dispatcher.

 Problem is that I am not sure I want the job right now.  I just had Logan a few months ago and him being premature its still like he is a new born.  We currently only have one car and although my DH and I would work in the same town its doubtful it would be the same shift.  Public transportation her is horrible and I would  have to leave super early and still get a ride home no matter what shift I have.  My kids would need a babysitter who can get them to school everyday and who could handle my 2year old  and newborn at home all day.  My one daughter only has school half a day and so they would have to pick her up in the middle of the day and then go back for the second child.  My teen dd will be playing tennis again this year which means loads of practice and she really wont be able to help much at the house.  My son will be away at college so he wont be able to help at all.  My DH is not great with the girls on his own, but he swearers that he would be able to watch them once he got off work and would be able to help around the house.

 I think its all just to confusing to deal with right now and I just want to lock myself in a closet.  I know that we need the money and I know that jobs are hard to come by, but honestly I feel like I would better serve my family at home.  Our house is a nut house already and dealing with chores on a daily basis is difficult when I am home all day.  Laundry, cleaning, cooking and the kids is a full time job and I just now got to where I can handle them all and not go crazy, adding an 8 hour shift would almost kill me.  I know that if I accept this job the amount of work for me will double at home and my husband will really not be much help because he is not much help now.  Also while at my job interview my DH was offered a chance to work a second job, something we had recently discussed him looking for.  He and I had just decided that I would be a SAHM and he would work two jobs until we paid off some of our big bills.  He has decided to try for the second job just in case I don't get the job and even if I do he will keep it.  This means longer hours for our babysitter.

I also have school and would have to find a way to fit all that in also.  The biggest issue is breastfeeding and cloth diapering would have to stop because no one else will use the cloth diapers but me and my dd and I would not be able to pump every 2 hours while at work so my milk would eventually become less.  I have a laundry list of reasons why not to take the job and only a few reasons to take the job.  I would love to get out of the house daily, I would love to help out my family financially and I would love to be able to purchase a vehicle for the family.  Its just so difficult, but I guess in the end its not up to me.  I will be handing in my background paper work Monday and it will take several weeks my papers to come in so I guess until then I just wait to see if I am going to be working this winter or if I will still be a stay at home mom.

Wow, this was a really long vent and I am glad that I have a place to get it out instead of just looking crazy or crying uncontrollable like I have been doing for the past few days.  Life is never easy and always has so many decisions that if you make the wrong choice you think about for ever.  I don't want to make the wrong choice and hurt my family and that is why I am so conflicted, either way I choose its going to impact everyone and in different ways.

Underpressure

The other evening after a long day of worrying about money and not spending enough time with my children at home or my baby in the hospital I had a mini breakdown. My husband decided the only way to make me feel better was to take me to see our son late one night. This was Thursday and although I thought it was too late it turned out to be one of the best visits we had with Logan.

He was alert and hungry when we got there and it gave me a chance to breast feed him, which he not only latch but he ate like a champ. We did not spend a lot of time there but it was enough for me to get my baby fix, for Logan to have some time with us and more importantly for me to feel like I spend enough time with both sets of kids.

This truly is the most difficult part of all being so far away from Logan and never feeling like I give enough to all of my kids. The guilt is overwhelming and I fear it will not get any better even after he is home. I hope to be able to visit him Saturday, but it all depends on our finances which have taken a beating since all this started.

That is the second worst thing about this entire situation. Having to choose between something for my kids at home or being able to visit my son. I will be glad when all of this is over and I can go back to our normal life, or at least a somewhat normal life.