Sunday, June 6, 2010

Today was the day that I hit the wall, I woke up crying and spent most of the day crying. What could it possibly be that was making me so sad? Well I think it was a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing. I am somewhat of a control freak, but not in a "Type A" way just in an I have to have control so that I know what is going on way. And in the last few weeks I have lost control.

My oldest son is moving on with his life and going to college in a few weeks; my youngest son is in the NICU and cannot control either situation. It felt like I was drowning and that there was no live preserver coming to save me. I spend most of the day in a funk and for some reason could not bring myself to talk to my husband. He of course was under the impression that he had did something wrong. After hours of crying and hiding in my room, I finally decided that my husband deserved to know that I was not mad at him, that I was just mad at the situation.

It’s not been an easy few weeks for us and I guess that I was trying to be strong by no letting my emotions out, by not crying, by not being true to myself. It never works out well when you deny your feelings or when you try not feeling what is going on with your inner self. My emotions are complicated and compounded by so many things going on right now and it just seems that when you have hit the wall it really hurts. I know that I have to look at the bright side of things and remind myself that my oldest son moving on is a good thing and shows that I have somewhat prepared him to go on and live life after high school. My youngest son is in the NICU but he is doing well, he might not be making daily progress but the fact that he is steady and not going backwards is a victory in itself.

My husband held me for a long time this afternoon and I allowed him to do it and that was what we both needed. I have to keep him in the loop and remember that we are in this together and when I need to fall he will be there to catch me and I will do the same for him. We look forward to the next few weeks and the challenges that they will bring and we know that together we can face them together as long as we turn to each other and keep looking at the bright side.

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