Thursday, May 27, 2010

The waiting game

Our son was born just over a week ago and our lives have been turned upside down. It is a different chaos from when you bring your child home from the hospital. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and I feel like the ride is never going to end. He was two months early and that scared me, he is only 3lbs and that also scares me.

It doesn’t feel like I gave birth, because he is not here for me to hold and cuddle. It’s not easy to get up for pumping as it would be if I were nursing a baby. I feel a little hollow right now, because I got a new baby, but not all the joy that comes with a new baby. It’s a strange feeling to know that my child is over an hour away from me and I can only see him every other day. It’s been hard to explain to my small children that L4 is staying at the hospital because he is sick and needs extra care that mommy & Daddy cannot give him.

I look at his picture everyday and feel a big hole in my heart. I feel like it might be hard for me to bond to my newest child because I am missing so much of his days. It seems silly because he won’t remember not being in my arms, but I will. My husband and I are trying to be there for each other, but it’s difficult because now money is tight, we have had very little sleep and we are stressed with all the driving and just trying to be there for all of our children. I have hope that my precious little man will come home soon and we will be able to take care of him and put all of this behind us. I dream of him every night and cannot wait to add him to our already crazy life. It’s not the easiest road I have ever taken, but I am glad to take this journey if at the end I get to meet my little man and hold him in my arms.

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